Elfy the Goat-Herder

Elfy was a man so tall and fat,
Higher than a tall goat, did he sat,
His English was poor and his clothes at that,
Were made of dried skins of dead cat.

He bought a coat from Marv the Cat,
A cannibalistic psychopath sociopath twat,
Who’s bollocks hung like the moons of Sat
urn, with tongue so filthy he did spat;

‘Elfy this coat is yours for a pittance,
If you give me a pair of fine goat mittens,
I want warm hands, fingers and chitterns,’
he asked, making up words his hobby intermittent.

‘Well Marv what can I say,
these goats are a pricey thing to slay,
with a blade of ice and a bed of hay,
the goats must fall on, on Christmas Day.’

So the year went along all slow and cold,
And as the year grew November grew old,
Until on Christmas Eve Elfy phoned and he called,
Marv to honour a promise to uphold.

‘Marv I need you at my house at noon,
So depart now for the sun rises soon,
I have a goat ready all prepped and pruned,
and looking at me lost and marooned.’

Well Marv was surprised that this deal he would honour,
So he whipped on his coat and withdrew his boner,
And called his wife, for one other time had he shown her,
His mitten-less trick called ‘The Dry Palm Paloma.’

Elfy readied himself steady and called
his youngest to bring the hay to the hall,
his eldest to shape the ice from a ball,
Of ice he had ordered the local food stall.

A rat-a-tat tat on the door and ‘Marv is here!’
The youngest poured their guest a tall beer,
The eldest was wracked with hope and with fear,
‘The last time dad had a goat-party mum left for Tanzania.’

The door slowly opened,
Elfy was already naked,
Furiously beating his frothy filth,
Onto the bound, thrashing goat,
And Marv was so sick,
The beer was spoiled with bile,
But the eldest slammed the door,
And Marv was given a kick,
To the back of his fat head.

‘This is the worst Christmas ever and I hate you dad!’
Screamed young Linda as she walked in on the cad,
Erection in hand, laughing at the bloodied cat,
Marv crying and shuddering and spitting he spat;

‘Get out of here girl this is ‘tween me, Elfy and the goat,
This is business, not a God damned pleasure boat,
I want some mittens to ease my chaffing scrote,
And your dad wants my brethren to wear as a coat.’

Well Linda was unaccustomed to such a spectacle any other day,
but Elfy did like to ensure Christmas was always a partay,
and every year for the ten she’d been alive in her own way,
he’d wank on a goat and lure busy animal traders to play.

The RSPCA were informed later by the youngest son,
A recent school field trip had been to a farm in Leighton,
And he had developed a fondness for all animals upon
god’s green earth, be they weak or strong.

And Marv made his coats,
Elfy dreamed of his goats,
Linda got smarts and now builds boats,
And the youngest got bored of this stupid story and is going to write something else.